Have you ever found yourself unwilling to forgive?

I swear I have the best conversations with myself when I run.  Seriously.   Me, myself, and I can solve all of the world’s problems when I’m in my zone and today, I was in my zone.  It was the perfect winter day for a run.  Snow falling lightly, mild winter temps, and quiet all around.

That quiet got me thinking…..

As many of you know, my life, over the last 9 months has spun entirely out of control.  Time and time again, I have found myself at the mercy of others and those “others” have made decisions that have had a profound and long-lasting effect on my life.   While I try to put up a good front and put a positive spin on it, I find myself holding on to bits and pieces of resentment.   Over and over, I say to myself, “There must be a reason” or “There’s a lesson in this that I’m not getting.”  Well this morning, I think I found my lesson.   Forgiveness.  Letting go.  Here’s the hardest part….. wishing them well.  Yikes.  That’s a tough one to swallow.

I get how I need to forgive and how ultimately, it will be healing for me.

I even get how I need to let it go so that there’s room for the good that’s coming my way.  Where I’ve been digging my proverbial feet in is on the “wishing them well” part.  I mean really, how does one go about that?  How do you let go of that thing inside of you that’s saying “Well, I can forgive her but I hope she falls flat on her face!”  or “She thinks it’s easy?  I’d like to see her in a year.”  At the risk of sounding like a vindictive bitch, I do think that’s something that all of us may struggle with from time to time.  Please tell me I’m not alone in this!!  We forgive (or seem to think we have) but yet we hold on.

So, in the interest of my own healing, I need to forgive, take responsibility for my part in things not working out, let go, and wish those people well.  In turn, I will open my heart to all of the wonderful things that the universe has in store for me.   There really isn’t room in there with this resentment hanging around, is there?